Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Not the Same


This time last year I was either throwing up, or laying on the couch feeling like throwing up.  Little Lucy was the cause of those good times.  

And maybe you remember (because I beat it like a dead horse) that I had trained that summer to run a little half-marathon and then couldn't because the barfing made me dehydrated like 2 days before the race.  I was so bummed.

Funny how things change in a year.

This time last year she was a little person that consisted of a clump of cells, and now she is this:

This time last year I was ready to run a half-marathon.  This year, I ran that race...but in a relay.  My leg of it was a whole 3 miles.  It hurt.  I'm not a racer...I like to run at a leisurely pace. The desire to run further is gone.  The desire to run at all is dwindling.  I'm trying to make myself like it again, but it's just not happening.  Wishing my feelings would catch up to my actions.

So much changes in a year.  Some for the better.  Some not.  I find that I'm sort of trying to figure out where I fit and where stuff fits.  Prioritizing.  Trying to fit back into my "pre-baby-girl" life is just not working how I thought it would.  Kinda like my jeans.  They technically fit, but just don't feel quite the same.

I wouldn't change a thing.  Lucy has blessed our family beyond words.  It's like she's always been a part of us, or at least was always meant to be a part of us.  I look in the mirror and I see a different person than I saw a year ago. And I like her, but I'm also getting to know her to.  She's different.   

  • I'm a mother of 4.  
  • I'm no longer the mama of boys, but the mama of "the boys & Lucy"
  • I've been the youngest in my group of friends in tiny town, but our kids were all similar ages...now I have a baby, and the dynamics change.
  • Running has now become a group activity.  I used to like it and my friends didn't.  Now, they're all into it and I'm, well...not.
  • I've even decided to grow my hair out for awhile.  I KNOW!  
It's interesting how changes in life, physical or emotional change who we are.  Part of me misses my old self.  And part of me is looking forward to getting to know the new one better.  Part of me just wants everything to return to the "normal" I knew, and part is looking forward to the possibilities ahead.  The one thing I can't escape...is that it means change.  I am not the Sarah I was a year ago.  Sure, a lot of me is, but a lot of me is not.  It means changes in my real life, and likely changes in blog life.  

I'm done trying to fit back in.  I'm ready for the new.  Ready to be open to the possibilities God has in store for me.  Bring it.  


  1. First of all, Lucy is a doll! Oh my gosh, I would want to love on her all day long. On the fitting in piece...I've been going through a bit of that myself. After my kids have grown the friends I hung around with and I have kind of grown apart. Our priorities and interests have shifted. I really miss our conversations but have also gotten involved in other things that fulfill me too. Some days I feel as though I'm dangling between two worlds or lives. I'm working through it and rather enjoying the process. Our history is what makes us who we are and the future is in God's hand with the best yet to come.

  2. Sarah - I can not believe how much this parallels what has been occupying so much of my mind today! It's crazy similar.
    It's nice to read your thoughts and realize that the changes, the not quite fitting in where I used to... or sometimes, anywhere (it feels like), -that's all okay. It's a part of life. Looking forward rather than longing for "who I used to be" is what I need to do.
    Love your perspectives!

  3. I completely understand where you're coming from. My life has changed so much in the past year. Some in good ways, and others in ways I'm sure the Lord considers good but I still struggle with. Some days I just WANT TO GO BACK, but then I wouldn't be who I am now, and not as close to the woman I want to be.

    Can't wait to read more.

  4. Always a joy to see Lucy and it's easy to see how she has blessed your family. I personally would not want to go back to the person I was. Life is better for me now and I want it to continue like it's going.

  5. This is exactly how I felt after having Jack. It took me a really long time to adjust to myself. Life with a baby was easy to adjust to because I had to but adjusting to life with my new self was hard. I totally know what you mean.

  6. Sarah-
    This made me cry! I understand the whole change in who you are process and identifying with yourself as a new person. The good news is usually the new you is a better person! There are still lingering positives of the old self, but it is awesome that you are allowing God to make you into who he ultimatly designed you to be. I love this post!

  7. I feel the same way, Sarah! I haven't had much time to really think about it...except for the jeans not firring part. I think about that a lot.

    Here's to finding what God has for us in the new season of life!

  8. Sarah, thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share such personal reflection with the world. I am going to be embarking on motherhood for the first time in about six weeks and I've been feeling slightly nervous about the upheaval the baby will mean for our lives. I'm glad to know I'm not alone and that it can be embraced changed. Take care and I think you're great! Cassie

  9. Sarah,
    I want to let you know how much I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings on your blog. I have journaled some of the same feelings these past couple of months. I have not had a baby, but I have seen some changes in my life that have left me wondering who I am and where do I want to go in life from here? My daughter will start high school next year (which is a whole new concept I cant grasp yet) and we have had several friends move away so I feel like I am losing friends and wondering what my identity is. I find great comfort that I am not alone. So thank you for sharing and letting me know that I am not the only one dealing with life changes. By the way, Lucy is a doll and I love her name.

  10. what an awesome post. I really struggle to let myself change. let myself be who I need to be. and be okay with it. I hate labels and yet I put them on myself and wear them around! silly huh.
    I have been on a break from running due to an injury. I miss it. but I have also learned a lot from my break.
    thanks for sharing!
    thanks for sharing the pic of our lucy! she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo amazingly adorable! I have a late baby gift for you! will bring it to you before she turns one! ha ha! you are gonna love it!

  11. As the song says, "a baby changes everything" and indeed they do and especially if you have 4 of them. Blessings to you my dear, it appears to me that you have it "going on" and the Lord is going to richly bless you as you "go forth." Hugs to you!

  12. Aw, Lucy is just precious!:)
    I loved, loved, loved this post. I have been having the same thoughts and feelings. I just had #4 about 7 months ago and now #5 is coming and most of our friends just have 2 kids and no plans for anymore.
    Sometimes I feel like I really don't have a place that I fit into anymore, but I'm realizing this is only a season and it will pass all too quickly. I'm also realizing that one day I'll have my own space to fit into again but right now my space is my children and family. And I'm ok with that.:)
    Thanks for sharing this. It seems so many of us can relate.

  13. Good for you!! I've also been blessed with a baby girl since this time last year. Life is different now...to say the least. I'm trying to embrace the changes, but adjusting to new things always takes me OUT of my comfort zone. Reading "So Long, Insecurity" is forcing me to see that the reason I like to be in control of the people around me is because I am...ahem, IN-secure. Ouch.

  14. Yep, things are different than the stories we write in our heads.
    I became a grandma right around when you were going into the hospital to have Lucy. (you read my blog early in the AM before you went in because you couldn't sleep. That should've done the trick.)
    Our grandson Max was born the next day, I think.
    Oh, and FYI, our dog is named Lucy. Sorry about that.
    Actually, Max sound like a dog name, more than Lucy...
    Wow. Talk about aimless rambling.


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