Wednesday, September 17, 2008

More Than Enough...

For some strange reason the topic of getting old has been coming up in a lot of my conversations...

I have a few theories/preferences/weirdness issues when it comes to getting old and dieing.

Granted, I have a certain guarantee that death will eventually happen...oldness, not so much. I very well could die before ever reaching old age...but this does not stop my "planning my life out in my head" game.

You do that too, right? Tell God the order of things. I generally arrange "my order" of things in a way that I think will cause ME the least amount of pain and inconvenience. That's how unselfish I am.

Impressed, aren't you ;)

My random list:
  • I'd like to live to be old...but not too old. I'd still like all my mental and physical capacities in order.
  • I'd prefer not to die of something long, painful, and drawn out...but also not anything too quick, that way I can say good-bye.
  • I'm totally ok with the idea of assisted living. Heck, I'll probably be 65 and trying to get them to let me in! (But I want Ben and I to go to one with friends, of course ;) But nursing homes...not so much. No thanks.
  • If Ben dies before me (which he can't because in my plans, I die first, thus not having to live without him) BUT if he does die first...I'm not remarrying. I'm moving to the pasture by his parents and building a house in it...the cows can eat the grass/yard and I won't have to mow.
  • I told him to tell me he's never going to remarry ;) Oh sure...he can if he wants to, but while I'm alive, we'll just say he's not going to.
  • Preferably, we both die at the same in the movie "the notebook"...except I could live without the whole Alzheimer's thing.
  • I want a closed casket at my funeral. If there's people that feel the need to look, by all means, take a peek...but thanks.
  • No singing of How Great Thou Art. I know, it is a really beautiful song...but it's been sung at all sorts of funerals I've gone too, and it creeps me out a little.
  • The list goes on and on...for real.

Oh I joke.

I make light of serious stuff.

It's a coping mechanism...and it doesn't for one second change or influence what God has planned.

Someday, I will lose ones that, as of right now, I don't believe I could live on this earth without.

My whole life I've watched it happen to people close to me. Losing grandparents, moms to cancer, a father hit by a falling tree, suicides, a husband in a tragic car accident, teenagers in car accidents, miscarriages, a beautiful sleeping baby...the list goes on.

None of those people had that in "their plans." Each have suffered, and walked down a path they did not choose on their own.

Every time I can't help but stand by and watch in awe as they carry on with through the pain.

And I often wonder...when is my turn? Life is can only go for so long before personally affected by loss.

When I think about it...I mean really think about it, I realize that the fear of it could become all-consuming...

But it isn't. I know pain and loss and suffering will come...someday. But I have the comfort and peace of knowing no matter what may come, He is with me. On my own, it's certainly stuff I could not handle, but with Him...I will.

I will also have those who have walked down the road before me, living through it, sharing and knowing the journey. And that too, conquers fear.

For those of you who are living through it right now, my heart is with you. It hurts for you...and hopes for you. And most of all, it's thankful that you are not alone...and that Jesus is big enough to fill even the deepest and widest caverns of pain.

More than enough.


  1. Sarah -

    Funny you should write about this. My husband and I have been married 13 years and just - finally - did our Living Trust/Will. When we got to the part about funeral arrangements I was very specific.

    * I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over the Sierra Nevadas. I don't want anyone to have any guilt about not visiting my grave on a regular basis.
    * I don't want a funeral. I want a Celebration of Life. I want there to be laughter and remembrance. My original plan included a margarita party afterward but my dearest friend (our pastor's wife) wouldn't go for that so we will just potluck it.
    * I tried to convince my husband that I wanted my Celebration of Life to be by invitation only but he says I can't do that. Bummer!

    We went through a 4 month period between 2004-2005 where we lost my mom (quick illness), his mom (lengthy illness) and his dad (lengthy illness). It was no fun at all but it was a period of spiritual growth in our lives.

    Thanks for the topic this morning - GiantsPrincess aka Nadine from Nevada

  2. beautiful post. hmm, the word beautiful w/ the topic of dying? yepperdoo...all because of JESUS!

  3. hey Sarah.

    I have been a pastor's wife for 9 years, and we JUST NOW bought our own house. We have been in a parsonage the entire time (in tiny towns as well), so I JUST HAD to stop over and say Hi.

    I am very passionate about my church headaches and annoying obligations, but I don't talk about it much here because I'm SO AFRAID of a church member finding me here.

    i know....i know...

    looking forward to reading more of your blog:-)

  4. Oh yes, planning things MY way. A topic I know NOTHING (insert sarcasm here) about. This is indeed a demon that I battle regularly, but I have to say, I think I/God might be winning the battle. As far as loss, my maternal grandfather, whom I called "Papa" until the day he died, passed away when I was in college. It was such a hard loss for me, but now, as I've come to know Christ, I imagine my Papa up there, overjoyed at his family down here on earth.

  5. I think we all do this - let the thoughts of, "What would I do if something happened to ______?" I think it's human nature to wonder and worry and plan out our lives, even when we know our (and our loved ones) every breath has been recorded in heaven.

    I honestly don't know how others can do it without Jesus. Then again, sometimes it takes heartache to bring someone to Jesus - because He IS the only One who can fill the void and heal the pain.

    This was a really good post.

  6. I heart you.

    Only WE can waste a hurt. I've watch people on this journey try to figure out "what now" with tears in their eyes - reaching out and grasping only more tears - and I want to grab them with hope and say THERE ARE DIRECTIONS FROM HERE! I can help you look them up! Can I help you find Him? That is my deepest struggle now - not wasting it. He has us right where He wants us.

    Harry always tells me if he doesn't know who anyone is or we have to change his diapers, to make it look like an accident and dig a pit in the back yard for him. I keep telling him that the law enforcement may get a little suspicious of that one, dear. I am working on our will, as well.

    I think of Job often.

  7. I am amazed when I see close friends walk through the deep caverns of pain, and see their trust in Jesus intensify. That is my prayer for myself and my family, that if anything should happen, we would lean on Him. He truly is more than enough.

  8. I am so glad there is hope beyond the grave! Thank you Jesus!

    On a much more random note: Even though Hollywood would have you belive you can just spread ashes randomly all over the planet, it is a crime! You have to go thru all kinds of red tape and they usually don't agree to it.

  9. Beautiful written, and you are so right ~ He is more than ENOUGH!



  10. Sarah,

    I SO can relate to walking along life's path, never thinking that pain and suffering will come knocking at my door.

    I'm currently living through a day to day heartache with my father in a nursing home.

    Please thank your husband for visiting my Dad (Ed C.). I think I've cried every time my Mom told me that Ben stopped by. It means the world to them and me. Nursing homes are not my favorite places either, but it certainly has put eternity in perspective. Also how we need to love and care for the elderly and not forget about them.

    Christ is ALL we need! (my Dad's favorite song).

    You're right! More than enough.

  11. Such a sweet post!

    My list looks sorta like yours (yes, I think about this stuff too)
    I tell David I want us all to go together.
    And if by chance I go first, while the girls are young, he HAS to get remarried. He hates it when I tell him that. And says we have plenty of women in the family to help take care of the girls.

  12. "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold." --Psalm 119:72-73


  13. It's fascinating to think about, and does tend to put things into perspective for sure.

    When you start thinking that you are really not in control, what really matters in life comes to the front.

    It's why songs like "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw have so much power to them. Most of the time we're putting window dressing on a corpse-- to put it bluntly. We're stressed about things that ultimately will not matter.

    Thanks for the reminder. In this stress-filled week it helps to put things in perspective.


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