I'm talking marriage again today. If you missed part uno, you might wanna go back and read that first.
So many areas of life are not hard in the knowing, but in the doing. There are genuinely times when I don't have a clue what I'm doing. But most of the time, 99% of the time, I have trouble in doing what I know.
Marriage is one of them. Why would I, or any of us, stop doing what we know benefits our marriage and start doing something else?
Because we're terribly, awfully: Selfish. And if you say you're not...then you're also a liar. Because you are. And so am I.
And that selfishness is the prime reason we stop doing what we know we should. And if you're particularly good at selfishness (which I am, so I know this) you've got some super-logical-justified reasons behind doing what you're doing or not doing what you should.
So I said I'd share my one-and-only-devotional. Again, that makes me laugh. I cut/pasted...mostly cutting out my awkward introduction.
It's super long by my blog standards. But in real life Italkprettyfast so...just read really fast, ok? Or, you could read half and then take a nap and finish later. I'm super helpful with suggestions today.
The Four Musts of Marriage (I'm kidding, it didn't really have a title)
We know how hard it is to actually live out some of those good things
we know. And we all know that
there’s just some things you only learn by living them out. But the
truth is also that no matter how long we’ve been married, there is always
something new to learn, or something we need to be reminded of, or an area
where God desires to bring conviction, repentance, and ultimately
restoration.
I came
across a question recently that asked
something to the effect of “Who
are the married couples in your life that you desire to be like?” In other words, who in your life are you
able to see do –life together and genuinely love each other and enjoy each
other in a way that makes you say, Hey!
I want to be like them? We’re not
talking perfection, because that’s not possible when you’re dealing with sinful
humans...but we are talking about people that seem to have a love and a one-ness
that is supernatural. It’s a hard
question. It’s one of those
lump-in-your-throat questions if we ask it of our own marriage. What does our own marriage preach of
Jesus? Because our marriages preach. They do.
First to our children, and then to our extended families, our church
families, our communities. They preach.
So, in case
I haven’t already made it painfully
obvious, what I want to share today is not just for the bride, but for all of us,
that we may all examine our lives before God’s biblical standard and His desire
for us and see where we are thriving, and where we may need God’s help in improving…which
is ultimately for His glory. And please
hear me when I say this isn’t a call for you to try harder and do better,
but rather that we would humbly submit
ourselves to what God desires and ask Him to be the one that enables us to
accomplish it.
Ok, so I
said before that I read. A lot.
Which pretty much means I’m not sure I ever have an orginal thought
anymore. So the list I’m going to
give you is a mish-mash of all the reading…smooshed down and abbreviated into 4
bullet points for your discernment. It’s
not stuff I came up with on my own. It’s
not fluffy or cute…because I’m all about the practical, and what works.
It’s common-sense basic stuff.
It’s also mixed in with life, from 15 years of my own marriage as well
as the fact that I’m a pastor’s
wife…which means that people often allow me to see into their lives from
behind-the-scenes and journey through the mess with them, so to speak. And what I’ve learned, is that while each
marriage is unique…it’s also not unique at the same time. Same problems – different details.
Let’s break it down.
1 – Know Jesus.
And I mean know Him. As in Personally. And make Him #1. Above you, above your husband, and above your children (future
children). Have a saving knowledge of Him (and if you’re
not sure what I’m talking about ask me or someone later) Know Him with your
head, (His Word) and know Him with your heart, and by that I mean have a desire
worship Him, follow Him, obey Him. In a
Bible study that I’m doing, I recently heard the speaker say, “If you are comfortable with the amount of
Jesus you already have…then you should be concerned.” Why?
Because the question reveals to us the condition of our heart. If we are content with having “enough Jesus”
then maybe He is not really our Lord,
but rather a pleasing “addition” to our American Dream Life.
How does
this help a marriage? Well, God created
us. And marriage. So it only reasons that we would want to know
the creator of it and then do what He says works in regards to it. Marc
Driscoll says in his book Real Marriage, “The goal, center, and purpose of
marriage is not self, spouse or children.
The ultimate goal of marriage and family is the glory of God. Only when marriage and family exist for God’s
glory – and not serve as replacement idols – are we able to truly love and be
loved.”
It really
doesn’t have to be complicated. Are we
always going to like what God says to do…like be submissive? Are we always going to feel like putting our
husband above ourselves? No. Is it hard?
Yes. Is it impossible? Without God, yes.it.is.
I’m not sure that anything in
life reveals to us how selfish we are like marriage does. (And parenting reveals how impatient we are,
but that’s for a different devotional)
Back to my point. It is said that Our spouses do not change us,
as much as they reveal us.
And
here’s where the gospel comes in. We
need the Holy Spirits power to overcome ourselves. In life, and especially in marriage, we
cannot possibly hope to live it out the way God has designed by trying to do it
on our own. We cannot muster up enough
will power to be a great wife…it has to come from God’s equipping and
empowering…which calls for a reliance on Him.
Christ through us.
What does
that look like? How does that play
out? We each, husband and wife need to
have our own spiritual life. No one can
increase our faith for us. It needs to
be growing individually and together simultaneously. Be a student
of God’s word. Study it and talk
about it. And when you learn from it, ask Him to enable
you to act on it. Do not simply absorb
it. Be a doer of it. James 1:22 says But
don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are
only fooling yourselves.
Place God as priority one. Don’t squeeze Him out. Husband’s
and wives love each other best when they do not make idols of one another. Our husbands are created to meet some of
our needs, but not all of our needs.
Only one can meet ALL our needs, and that is Christ alone. Pray for your husband and with your
husband. Worship together. Serve together. Tithe together.
And all of
that can sound like a to-do list, and sometimes our inner pharisee wants to
make it a to-do list, if I check off all these things then yay for me, I get a good marriage!
But it doesn’t work like that. God doesn’t work like that…I know, I’ve
tried. All of those are really heart issues…they
reveal our hearts and require God’s
power to overcome.
2 – Be
friends. Be best friends. Like each other. When we are best friends, we enjoy each
other’s company. We listen. We speak lovingly and respectfully. We laugh.
We disagree, but we know whose side we are on. We take turns doing what the other person
wants, even if we think it’s super boring (ie I need to take up golfing) We
make light of things, we give grace. We
look at our own sin and weaknesses and plank-filled eyes before scrutinizing
our husband. We laugh at ourselves and
gain some perspective. Friendship makes
marriage fun. Be friends.
3- Build
Hedges. And by that, I mean
boundaries. One of our favorite
books that we use often when counseling
is called Hedges, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it, by Jerry
Jenkins. And we love it so much because so many couples
we come across have no hedges! And you
need them…we’ve seen the tragic results of what happens without them.
Hedges are not a sign of a weak marriage, but of a
strong one. Jerry says “I have planted hedges around
myself to protect me, my wife, my family, my employer, my church, and
supremely, the reputation of Christ.” So
much of life seeks to tear marriages apart, it happens all around us to
believers and non-believers alike. If we
think we are in a position that it would never happen to us, then we are also
in the position of deceiving ourselves.
Our marriages are often most vulnerable when our guards are completely
down. Hedges do not mean paranoia, they are wise…they really
are loving your marriage enough to protect it. We need to examine ourselves and our
spouses and then set the hedges in
place. Hedges help us to live above
reproach, which in todays society is almost unheard of.
So what do hedges look like? Every marriage is going have different
hedges, some will be higher and deeper than others. I’ll give you a personal example…for Ben and
I, we have made it a point in our marriage that there are just certain things
we do not do. Neither of us has good friends
of the opposite sex, someone we confide in or complain about life to, because
that’s what we have each other for ;) And at different stages our marriages need
us to evaluate to see if the hedges need
adjusting. For example, when Ben became
a pastor, we added to our hedges because now ministry was involved. So, when there is a woman that needs
counseling, I do that, or we do it together but never him alone. Why?
Because it enables him to live above reproach. It isn’t a trust issue, but a safety
issue. And, your hedges will be tested,
because our culture sees them as trivial.
But our culture has also shown us the results of having no hedges. Protect your marriage against the
enemy…because he is seeking to destroy them.
4-
Communication. It’s a big one. We all know communication is important. In fact I heard recently that couples that have divorced site a lack of communication as the
primary break down of the relationship. That’s
ironic to me, because communication is something we can do. Poor communication
or a lack of communication does not just “happen” to a couple, it is a
deliberate act on the part of both spouses.
Learn how to communicate with your husband. There are some basic principles, like being
clear on your thoughts and feelings.
Avoid stonewalling, silent treatment, yelling, blaming, etc. But there are also unique ways that each
married couple communicates with one another, take the time to figure those
out. Communication is one of those
things (kind of like parenting) where you can read a book, get a bunch of
insight on what to do and what not to do and
it seems totally do-able and reasonable.
And then real life happens and our husband says something totally
insensitive. Or we disagree with his
decision, or we are annoyed at his lack of *fill in the blank* and now our
feelings are involved…and our feelings can
very easily over-rule any logical thinking we have on communicating
effectively and lovingly. Here’s where
the gospel comes in yet again. In our
own strength we will fail miserably at communicating in the heat of the moment,
but with Christ’s discernment and strength we can, in fact, control our tongue
and listen and get to the root or heart of the issue.
Here’s some
verses…
Verse on the tongue (Proverbs in literally chuck full of
them): Proverbs 21:23
English
Standard Version (ESV)
23 Whoever
keeps his mouth and his tongue
keeps
himself out of trouble.
Proverbs 18:21
English
Standard Version (ESV)
21 Death and
life are in the power of the tongue,
and those
who love it will eat its fruits.
We can speak death or life into our marriages…
James 1:19 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be
quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (read it again)
And I want
to close today with a passage from Philippians…Paul is intending it for a body
of believers, but I think we would be wise to also translate it into our
marriages.
Philippians 2: 1Therefore if you have
any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love,
if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy
complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of
one mind. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in
humility value others above yourselves, 4not looking to your own
interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
5In your relationships
with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Then end. :)
Tomorrow I'm gonna post a list of the books that Ben and I have used personally as well as helped with counseling other couples.
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