It Smarts a Little...

Today's post is pretty much just part two of yesterday's.

God is continually showing me things about myself through my children.

The latest is this: My three old's stubbornness is driving me crazy...I am God's three year old.

And frankly, that smarts a little.

Isn't it interesting that no mother has ever had to teach her young toddler to be selfish, to want his own way, to not share, to have a melt-down. The sin nature shows up early on (some earlier than others;) and a child left to their own natural tendencies most often grows up into an adult that both you and I wish we could avoid.

It wasn't until I had my own toddler that I realized how childish my own behavior can still be. And with each subsequent toddler I have been reminded over and over again :)

Here is a random list (from just yesterday) of how my three year old and I have a few things in common...

• He wants his way most of the time. (need I say more?)
• Out in public, he 99% of the time behaves very, very well. Compliant, sweet, obedient and just plain adorable. But in the safety of his own home the meltdowns occur. (Sound familiar?)
• He asks me for milk, I fill his cup. Half way through drinking his cup, he changes his mind and decides he wants OJ. I say, "finish your milk and then you can have OJ"...meltdown follows. (Hmmm...how often do I ask my heavenly father for something and he gives it, and then I change my mind and ask for something else, and when He doesn't respond immediately I feel like "throwing my cup" and pouting on the floor...I'm just saying)
• Potty training: He could totally do it if he wanted...instead he's decided that sitting around in a poopy diaper is not so bad. It's worked till now, why bother to change it. He has no idea the joys of underwear, for both him and I, because he's trusting in what he knows...what's familiar.

(How many times do I (we) just keep doing things the way we always have, believing it's still good enough. Believing that sitting around in the stink is not so bad?!? Instead I could just trust Him enough to believe He has better planned and step out in obedience and give it a try.)

• He looks so sweet and sincere when he apologizes...until two seconds later when I find him spraying Windex on the couch. (does my repentance often look the same way?)
• At three years old, in his mind, he fully thinks he's capable of calling the shots...and how do you explain to a three year old how COMPLETELY limited their knowledge and understanding is and without ME he'd be in a world of trouble. (I behave in this EXACT same way, and my three year old's knowledge is MUCH closer to his mommas level than mine is to God's)
• He whines and whines and whines in hopes that it will change my no to a yes. (obvious)
• He loves to tattle on his brothers if they even come close to doing something wrong or bother him in any sort of way...without ever even noticing all the wrong he managed to accomplish during the same time frame. (guilty)

Ok, ok, so I could go on for days and days on this topic, but I'm sure you get my point.

For all of the stubbornness and strong-will my sweet little Jake possesses, there's a million more absolutely wonderful things about him. And I can walk through this phase with him, because I know he will grow and mature into what God has created him to be. My love for him is changeless.

How much more so it is with my heavenly father. He walks with me, and lovingly guides and disciplines me as necessary because He longs to see me continue to grow and mature into what He has created me to be. I am so thankful He loves me that much :)

Happy Friday!!

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Staring At Me...

If I could give out gold medals for blog comments all you guys would get gold for yesterdays. Seriously.

Two ideas spoke to me through your comments.

1. My heart wandering issue


2. My 3 year old's stubbornness is driving me crazy...I am God's 3 year old.

I'll tackle the first today and the second tomorrow.

It's the miracle that is...blogging. Journaling, with feedback. And your feedback got me thinking... a lot. Mama Belle (my bff whom I've never met who lives in/by the bayou where I've never been) said this to me, "You do know we all struggle with this, right?"And I said (not out loud) to myself, "Pfffff...of course I do Mama Belle." And the next thought that IMMEDIATELY followed was "but I'm sure my heart wanders away more quickly than theirs."

And there ya have it. Truth with a tiny lie attached to the end of it. I know it's a universal struggle for Christians...I've just believed that just maybe ya'll can keep your hearts from so easily being swayed from it's first love...Jesus. Where exactly this thought process came from, I have no idea...but yesterday I was made aware of it. The truth is, that I know first hand how easily my heart wanders...it may be the at the root of all of our struggles as Believer's...after all, the first commandment was to have no other gods.

Speaking of no other gods...yesterday I just happened to go to the post office, and there just happened to be a certain book there that I had ordered last week from Amazon. Yep. This book. I ordered it sort of on a whim, last week. Some bloggy friends had said they're reading it, and when I was on Amazon ordering something else, this little book popped up and I clicked on it.

Last night I opened it and read to about page 13 before I set it down and tried to devise a plan to somehow forget I'd ever seen it. It's that good :) I came up with no good plan. It keeps staring at me even as I type this.

I know the Holy Spirit wants to use this book to show me areas of my life that need to change. But change is hard...and frankly, I'm a tad lazy.

But here it is. The root of the issue...staring at me from my desk. God has taught me innumerable lessons (most of them multiple times) and there is one thing I know for sure. I can run from this...but God, in His infinite love for me, will out-run me. I can surrender now, or I can totally wear myself out first, but either way...He's gonna deal with this issue. I think I'll do it now :)

So...I'm off to begin confronting my modern day idols...and separate my kids so they don't kill each other...all in a days work ;)

Oh wait...it also makes me think of a song :)

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Adjusting...

Yesterday was the boys' second day of school and my three year old is having some trouble adjusting to his time at home with no brothers around.

What I mean is: He is getting himself into t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

The scenario all day long:

Me (calling up the stairs) "Jake, whatcha doing?"

Jake: Silence

All you moms know silence is bad news. Turns out he was bathing his tractors in this. Guess what? That doesn't come off so good...we have some well-greased tractors now.

Next scenario involved me calling up the stairs (again).

Jake's reply: "I saw-wee"

Also not a good sign, when the first thing they do is apologize. This one involved my make-up. *grrrrrr* Needless to say, I've got to get creative in keeping him busy with stuff he's actually supposed to be in :)

We're both adjusting. Yesterday I found myself hurrying around to accomplish stuff because I only had one child at home...as if I had JUST THIS DAY to do it all! It finally occurred to me that there will be more days. It also occurred to me how precious our weekends will be, with our whole family together all day long. I will look forward to them in a new and different way.

I'm also finding I have more quiet. In the new quietness I've realized how over the summer, in the chaos, I let myself forget how important the quiet time with God is. I didn't make room for enough quiet time with Him. My time with Him was most often interrupted by children (for lack of dragging myself out of bed before them).

He amazes me with all He is doing. His endless patience and love. No matter how many times I need to come before Him (and it is endless) confessing my failures at putting Him first, loving others more, dyeing to self...He never says "enough is enough" instead, He picks me back up, dusts me off, and like a loving father tells me to stop doing it on my own, and let Him help.

Why in the midst of busyness, is He the first one I shove to the side? Is it because I know his endless love and patience for me and I feel safe in doing it...much like my own children push the limits with me because they know as their momma my love is unconditional?

Pondering this question today, and examining my heart, so that I can stop pushing Him aside when life seems to demand my attention. Praying His Spirit helps me to carve out that precious quiet time no matter what. No matter what!!

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Go (light) Green...

The "Go Green" theme is everywhere, everywhere.

I've resisted...(even though I do heart the color green).

In my head, to Go Green, also meant buying into the whole global warming thing...which by the way...I do not.

The more I read on global warming, the more I'm convinced that its mostly a political agenda used to promote oneself. Back to my point...

Then, this week while at the grocery store, I decided to purchase this:


Because I thought to myself...

1. That would hold a lot of groceries
2. It's cuter than plastic bags
3. Go me.

I had a revelation in the grocery store.

I can do my part to not be completely wasteful. Being a little green does not have to mean I buy into global warming. The two do not have to go hand in hand. I do not think the life span of our earth depends upon humans being green. God created it, and He has said in His Word that He's coming again and there will be a new heaven and a new earth...I'm pretty sure He didn't mean that this was dependent on us mere mortals taking care of it. Pretty sure ;)

But I can respect what He has created while still glorifying the creator over the created. Which, for me, means I now have two of those cute little canvas bags AND I'm attempting to start recycling (more than just pop cans). I have to say, I'm not particularly enjoying the whole recycling thing...baby steps, baby steps.

So...I'm going green...a very light shade of green :)

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Rebuked...

This week has been busy. I talked about how I feel about busy in this post.



In our little family, Ben and I have an order to life.



God - First

Family - Second

Ministry - Third



The rest of the list varies for each of us, but the first three are the same, and have to be in that order. Within that order, life works. It doesn't mean it's always smooth and easy, it just means that it works, because for us, that is the order God has given. We know that without a doubt.



This week, we (mostly me) have jumbled the order sometimes...and that does not work. At all.



In the wrong order, I begin to get irritated with all three. Seems silly, but it's true. It took me a few days to figure out what the problem was. At first, I was pretty sure the problem was just my kids being naughty and my husband not paying enough attention to me...so I informed them of this.



My husband, of course, listened and apologized while my children stared at me with blank expressions, wondering who this crazy lady was standing before them. I was sure it would be better now that I informed them of their wrong-doing.



But the next day...I still felt the same. Irritated with them.



Puzzling. And then God gave me that list...that order, and the vast knowledge that it was not my husband and children that were the problem...it was me. Ouch. I was the one shuffling the order of things. And once again, I am thankful that I can go before a gracious God, repent, and start fresh.



This morning I opened to Luke 6, and read this verse...(41&41)



"And why quibble about the speck in someone else's eye - his little fault - when a board is in your own? How can you think of saying to him 'Brother, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the board in yours? Hypocrite!"



Just His gentle, loving reminder for me as I begin a new day :)

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Realizations...

VBS went really, really well last night. In my 3&4 year old class we had 8 boys and 1 little girl...and they were so much fun! Thanks so much for your empathy and encouragement yesterday :)



Last night (after VBS) I had the opportunity to discover something about myself...stuff I've known (I think) but just never really thought about all that much. It has to deal with how I react/cope with life when busyness sets in.



I hate busyness. I do. I am constantly trying to keep life quieted. I like peace. I like routine. I like to have my family just hanging out together at home.



Our daily life is fairly full. I don't mention it much, but my husband also has a full-time job besides being full-time Pastor of our small church. (This is a whole other post in and of itself.) He is a "tent-making pastor" as they call it, and I can't explain it, because when I look at our life from the outside, I think "How on earth does that work? Impossible!" But, it does work...it works really, really well. It works, because it is what God has ordained for now and He supplies in all the areas we are lacking (and they are many, my friends.) Will it change? Hopefully...but if it doesn't, we're content with that too. God has created peacefulness in our home, even with the full schedule.



Anything extra on top of this full life of ours makes it start to feel busy to me. As I mentioned yesterday, with VBS this week, I find myself re-adjusting to the extra demands, and discovered two things about myself in the process.



1 - When life starts to feel like I can't keep up, I go quiet. Weird, I know. I am generally a friendly, outgoing person. I will talk your ear off...with hand gestures to boot. But when it starts to feel busy, I feel the need to quiet myself. To withdraw some...to hide-out for a little bit...just me and my Jesus. He "fills my cup" back up, just like the old hymn says, and then I can face life again.



2 - When the busyness seems like too much...I begin cleaning. I mean deep cleaning...organizing...and when my family doesn't cooperate with my cleaning agenda...not good, not good at all. It's a weird phenomena. Something very sad, tragic, life changing can happen, and you will most likely find me cleaning out closets and rearranging furniture. I've done this for as long back as I can remember...I've just never thought about WHY I do this...until last night.



Here's what God showed me: When life feels like it's out of my control (which it always is whether I feel it or not) I clean because I can fix it. I can work and see tangible results from my efforts. Control. I am a control freak, my friends. Last night, it's as if God was giving me a "heads up" on this issue. For my own good, He requires a change of heart on my part...the cleaning in and of itself, fine. The cleaning as a knee-jerk reaction for control...not fine. He wants my first reaction to be my knees in prayer, running to Him. Sounds easy...but for a control freak, it's not. Thankfully, I have Him to help me :)



Just some realizations. What about you? How do you deal with the busyness? Are you a freak too!?!? :)

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What I'm Learning...

God has been teaching me so, so much lately. And my friends...it hurts!Wherever I go, by any means possible, it seems that He is showing me the same thing over and over.

This is not unusual. There have been countless times that He's done this..."beating" the message into my heart until it finally sinks in, and I stop fighting against it, and start learning from it. Most of the time...it's something that I don't want to hear. And like a child, I stick my fingers (MP3) in my ears and sing loudly, in hopes of drowning Him out...which, by the way, does not work. God is not loud. He doesn't keep shouting louder and louder...He whispers...softly and gently, and it pierces my heart to the core...and He does it because He loves me...He does it because that's who He is. Astounding, isn't it?

My problem He's revealed: Self. I heard a message recently on the 10 commandments. It broke them down into what they meant or stood for. The first commandment God gave was that we not hold anyone above Him(have no other gods.) And it struck me. I don't worship any other gods...or do I. Who is first in my life all the time? The answer I heard was not pretty...the answer was me.

The more I thought about this, the uglier it got. I began to realize that there is not one decision I make, no matter how big or small, that does not FIRST go through my automatic filter of how does this effect me, make me feel. Granted, I do things all the time that may be self-sacrificing, but I guarantee you that it first went through that ME filter and then I decided if it was worth it or not. Gross...and totally backwards.

You know what that filter should be FIRST?!? It should be "Does this glorify God?" I want that to be first. He put it in that order for a reason. He knew that in our humanness, the struggle for control over our lives would be the hardest to let go of. It is a battle that I will most likely fight on a daily basis...maybe minute by minute. It's idiotic if you think about it. Why on earth would I think I know more or have more control than God, who happens to be all-knowing, all powerful and in all places?!? Seriously, that makes me a special kind of stupid. Again.

I want to trust Him enough to make my first thoughts "Does this glorify God" and not "How does this affect me/make me feel." Obviously, I am not capable of this on my own (as we've seen.) It is the cry of my heart, today, for His help on this.

God does not exist for me. He does not need me. But I was created for Him, and without a doubt I need Him desperately. It's time I start living it...in that order.

There's more He's teaching me...but one thing at a time :)

What's He showing you? Do you hear Him? Are you listening or hiding? What's the cry of your heart?

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The One Thing...

First: I am still alive. Running last night did not kill me...felt like it was...but I am still here. You should know, that after only a 1/2 mile, my lungs felt like they were actually on fire in my chest. How is it that my body can forget that it can run, so quickly!?! It really did feel good to get back out there though.


Also: I'm trying a new blogroll thing-a-ma-jig(that's the techi word for it). I tried to get everyone that was on my old blogroll onto this new one, if for some reason (not purposely) you didn't get on there please let me know so I can fix it.

On to the good stuff...

I have learned so, so much the past few weeks, but it all boils down to one concept.

Drum roll please.... The only thing in my life that NEVER changes is God.

Everything and everyone else is always changing. Nothing is a guarantee...only Him. It's something I have known for some time...but now...I get it...I so get it. And I'm so thankful for the peace that brings me...indescribable. And...I just so happen to have a song about it...imagine that :) It's been ministering to me in a new way... Enjoy!




It happens to be in karaoke style...so I expect ya'll to grab a hairbrush-microphone and sing your hearts out :) I know my friend Shell will... *wink*

Malachi 3:6 "I the Lord do not change..."

Psalm 136 (really ya gotta read the whole thing, but here's a start :)

v1 " Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, His love endures forever...

PS - Mama Belle told me what people say about ladies who wear red shoes *smiles* I was gonna post it, until my hubby got all pastoral and told me it may be inappropriate...so I'm gonna practice me some submission and just tell you if you email me *wink, wink*

I can assure you though, that what they say...so not true for me...I happen to like me some!

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It's a Trend...

First things first: Black rubber boots are now the staple fashion accessory in

tiny-town...and most of the rest of my state, for that matter. This is me and my little bro totally making the boots work for us before heading out to clean up sludgy stuff. Be glad that my vocabulary is so small, because I can't come up with words to describe to you the smell...give me time, it will come :)





The last time I drove into tiny-town I had a slight melt-down in my van. You know the kind...it involves hiccup-like stuff and lots of snot. (no need to thank me for the visual) BUT, tonight as I drove back in, I heard God speak to my heart.

It was clear.

He whispered, "I know it will never be how it was...watch me make it even better! I am the creator of everything, do you think restoring tiny-town to 1000 times greater is not within my power?!?"

And then I sobbed for a new reason...I heard Him. And I believe Him. He reminded me where my help comes from...and it's not FEMA...it's the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Period.

I knew, three years ago, when we began to hear His whisper directing us to tiny-town, that He had big stuff in store. Today, I can see some of it, and I am still looking with eager anticipation for what He has next.

I wanna Praise Him in this storm because He is with us. Someone left me the words to this song in my comments, and my friend Beth reminded me of it here. Go listen... and whatever your storm happens to be, run to Him.

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I'll Eventually Get It...

Forgiveness. *sigh*...So much meaning is one little word. The concept is something that I think maybe I've always struggled with.


The dictionary definitions says..."To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon. To renounce anger or resentment against."


I get the definition....it's the putting it into practice deal that I get stuck on, sometimes.

In my head forgiveness looks like this:

1. Someone causes an offense: I get hurt, angry, resentful etc.


2. When they realize the offense (without me saying anything, of course) they immediately come to me, apologize and beg for mercy.


3. I, of course, forgive, and completely let it go


4. Restoration.

Why it looks like that in my head, I do not know. What I do know, is that 99% of the time that is not what forgiveness looks like. Forgiveness is messy, and hard. It does not fit neatly into 4 steps.

Most of the time, people will not even know they have hurt us. Most of the time, even if they know it, they will not make the first move or even admit wrong. Most of the time, I say I've forgiven, but I have not really let it go. And sometimes, forgiveness does not mean restoration. Hard stuff.

Here's what God is teaching me (over and over and over...eventually I'm bound to get it :)...

• I need to forgive, regardless of the other persons actions. Jesus didn't wait for me to get my act together before He offered me forgiveness.


• withdrawing my love and giving the silent treatment is not a healthy way to react and will definitely not help in forgiving or bringing restoration to a relationship. It will lead to bitterness.


• No amount of hurt someone causes me, personally, compares to my sin against God...yet He gave up His only son...for me.

OK, so now you get my freshest real life example...

I spent the last week being ticked at my little brother (whom I happen to adore.) He hurt me (unintentionally) and, being the mature grown-up that I am, I reacted by leaving him some sarcastic comments on Facebook and then withdrew. I know, try not to be too impressed by my high standard of maturity.

My hubby's sermon Sunday night was on forgiveness. Yeah. I heard God speaking to me LOUD and clear. It was time to do things differently.

This time, I knew I needed to share with him why I was hurt, and then let him know that I was going to forgive...let it go...for both of us. Can I tell you how much better that is than holding it in?!?

His response...unbelievable for a 19 year old. He left me a note on my wall of Facebook (which means everyone can see) apologizing. I, being me, bawled! Restoration...the way God designed it.

I pray that when the table is flipped, and I'm the one that needs to apologize, I can be the grown-up like him.

Man, God has His hands full with me...glad He is so, SO BIG! :)

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Balance

I'm learning that, on my own, I have a bit of trouble balancing my life. When I jump into something, I JUMP in. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes...not so much. I could list many areas in my life where this has/is true. It's not a surprise, I've kinda known it...but this tragedy in tiny-town has made me so much more aware of it.


I need God to show me what to do, where to go, when and how much. Does that make sense? On my own, I'm excessive in some areas, and completely lacking in others. Exhausting.


As I re-read my last post, I realized that one of the reasons I want "normal" back, is because I am having trouble balancing the tragedy that has occurred with every day life. Focusing on all the devastation leaves me feeling empty and depleted, yet enjoying life makes me feel guilty. My family lost nothing in the tornado. So many friends, lost everything. In order to make up for that, I've taken some huge burden upon myself to grieve over all of them...to want to help all of them...in the meantime, I've found myself utterly frustrated with myself and others for not doing enough.


Yesterday afternoon I found myself complaining to God. Wish I could call it prayer, but it wasn't...it was more like a combination of whining & begging. But God, ever so quietly, has been speaking to my heart. Here's what He's shown me...

• He took me to the book of Psalms *sigh* what better place!?!
• I am feeling overwhelmed because I am taking on burdens that are not mine to bear. I repeat: NOT MINE TO BEAR. Some of them are...but I have excessively heaped loads of stuff onto myself that I CANNOT possibly handle. I do it out of guilt, I think. This does no one any good. I need to rely on Him for the who, what, when, where and how much questions.
• He is willing to teach me how to live joyfully amidst chaos, if I will just LET him.

I know that these issues were there, for me, long before tragedy hit. I know many others struggle with the same problem of balancing...it is not new or unique to me. But I no longer want to deal with it like I always have...I want to learn to allow Him to show me HEALTHY ways to deal with life amidst chaos.

One little verse that really grabbed me was Psalms 90:12

"Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should."

Here's to that!

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It's Official...

I'm officially a red-neck...

I know, I know, it takes a special kind of stupid to work outside all day with no sunblock. Oh, I brought it...but actually put it on...not so much. My pasty white skin is paying the price, bloggy friends...paying the price. *smiles*

The clean-up and recovery from tornado stuff is going to take, what seems like, FOREVER :) I'll keep ya updated now and then though. Thank you for your prayers for everyone involved...keep 'em coming.

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The Tough Stuff...

The past couple of weeks I have been in the Repentance chapter of Seeking Him. *Sigh* Good, good stuff...too overwhelming (for my writing capabilities) to put into words. Through it though, God has been nudging my heart to do something it DOES NOT want to do...and I've decided to share it with you. I know I've got some praying ladies out there...and I'm SO gonna need them.


I mentioned here that my parents divorced when I was 21. It was traumatic for everyone involved. The most painful aspect of it all was that it was revealed that there had been years of adultery, lies, and deception involved, on my father's part. When given the choice to reconcile and choose his family, or this other woman and his "freedom" ....he chose her...he chose himself. It absolutely rocked me to to the core. I could not understand it...and it hurt me in ways that I cannot describe.


How did I respond? At first, pleading and begging were involved. I was SURE that if I could just make him see what he was doing that he would change. It did not work. That's when I decided to fight fire with fire. It was ultimatum time. I was sure this would work. I sat him down, and very logically said to him, "You choose her and I will have no part of it. I won't hang around and be a part of that life." Again, he chose her. I was sure he was calling my bluff. So I set out to prove that I meant it, and I did. For close to 5 years I had no contact with him. I had my first 2 babies...celebrated many mile stones, all without him. If we saw each other in town, we acted as though we were strangers...which we were.



My dad and I have had contact now for the past few years. His life has not changed. None of the circumstances have changed. Along the way, though, I have felt God's nudging...it's always met with resistance from me. At first, the nudging was to reach out to him...and I did. I did the minimum of what God required (which is basically not really obeying, by the way.)


Here's what God has revealed to me the past couple of weeks: At the time, I really thought that by withholding a relationship with him, that I was showing him love. That he would see that I was dead serious about how wrong his choices were. God has now shown me that in part that was true, but the other part was just me withholding my love from him in order to punish him. Oh...it get's worse....He has also shown me that the love I am showing to my dad is not enough. He is asking me to lavish my love upon my dad. WHAT!?! My flesh HATES this. My flesh tells me my dad doesn't deserve it. But God's still small voice is so powerfully saying..."Sarah, you do not deserve it either....but I lavish it upon you ALL the time, show him love..."


So....I'm going to do it. It will be a supernatural work...it will involve all of Jesus, and none of me. It will be a battle, for me....and now you're in on it. Please pray for me...for all of the above stuff...and pray for my dad...that he would stop running from Jesus, and experience true joy and freedom.

Below is a pic from Christmas...me, my little bro, dad, and sister Lindsey.

(I like visuals...so you get one :)

I'll keep ya updated...

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A Day in the Life of...

I am amazed at all of the really WONDERFUL Pastor's wives that I have met while blogging. I wish I could explain what a blessing it has been in my life...to describe how it has ministered to me, and "filled my cup" so to speak...but, I would need to come up with some eloquent words (and for those of you who read this blog, ever, you'll know that's not likely to happen) so I'll just leave it at that. Big Blessing.

If you are a Pastor's wife...you're so gonna get this post, and if you're not...welcome to a day in the life of...


When it rains it pours. It's the phrase I can best use to describe it. I don't know why it is, but it seems that when people need you....they ALL need you. I can be going along for days, even weeks with not so much as a peep from people. Then, it happens. The days where my phone(s) do not stop ringing.

The first time it happened, I wasn't prepared. I felt like they'd all caught me off guard! How dare they not give me warning that a crisis was approaching?!? I wanted a do-over. I didn't have the right things to say. I didn't feel like I'd really helped anyone. God taught me some huge lessons through that day.

1. There is always a calm before the storm. The storm will hit without warning. I can't let the calm lull me into being unprepared when the storm hits. It is in the calm times that I most need to be preparing for the hurricane.
2. I need to constantly be filling myself with Him. If I don't, when others need me, I will have nothing to give. Instead of desiring to help them, I will resent them. I need to be filled with Him...constantly.
3. Sometimes, all I will do is listen. I may have words, I may have wisdom and practical advice, but they will not always want to hear it. I cannot judge success based on outcome. It's not my job. My job is #1 &#2.
4. It is a precious gift to be able to lend an ear, encouragement, prayer, support, whatever it might be. A gift...a high calling.
5. Remind myself of this ALL the time, because I will forget too easily if I don't.

I sometimes wish I could fast-forward 20 years, grab the wisdom I will (hopefully) have then, and then come back to the present. I can't. My church, friends, family, everyone I come into contact with is stuck with the current, inexperienced, Sarah. Today, I am praising God for the direction and discernment of His Spirit, for His written word, prayer, endless books & studies, godly counsel, and life lessons learned...He uses them to equip me...not to make me an expert, but to equip me for the work He has planned. Wow.

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I Can't Remember...

I am experiencing blog dejavu. Does this happen to you?!? I started blogging in February...which makes this my 95th post. Lately, as I start rambling on about something, I have this nagging suspicion that I've covered, whatever topic I'm rambling about, ALREADY! Weird.

I've also learned, (from my whole 95 posts) that giving your posts a non-obvious title, (because you are trying to convince yourself that you can be witty...if you just try hard enough) is really, a very, VERY dumb idea. Know why?!? Because when you go dumpster-diving back through your archives, in hopes of linking to whatever you've already written about, you'll have NO IDEA what you titled the post because you are not witty...but a moron. That is what I've learned about myself.

Which leads me to another thought....If I could go back, in real life, and do ONE thing differently, what would it be? Hmmm....this took about 1/2 a second for me to come up with an answer to blurt out. Yep...1/2 second. If I had to pick JUST ONE...it would be that I would never, and I mean NEVER have used a credit card...for anything. That's it, that's the one thing.

OK, your turn....what's your ONE choice or action that you'd do differently if you could?

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Let it All Out

Just let me say it...I REALLY like Tuesdays. On Tuesdays I do NOT have to get up to run, do not have carpool duty and only have to get one child out the door for school. LOVE Tuesday! Another bonus, is that tonight we have Ladies Bible Study, which I always look forward to.



The lesson we will be discussing in Seeking Him, is on honesty. *Deep breath* A week ago, I posted this, about my journey. Today, I am so happy to say, that because of God's incredible grace and mercy upon me, I stand a little farther up that mountain. I am a long ways from the top (trust me.) The urge to give up and slide back down is still there...but today, the desire to obey Him and do this thing His way, is far greater. Did you hear that!?!? Greater! WOO HOO!



God has shown me that there is being real, and there is being REAL. He requires complete honesty from me. He has shown me that anything less simply will not do. He has also so lovingly brought it to my attention, that His way is not the scary-hard way...my way is. I have realized that I cannot say to Him, " I'll follow you in all these areas Lord, but this one...this one (little area) is mine...I can deal with it...my way." The reason, I've discovered, is that, that one small area that I chose to not hand over to Him, really was not small at all. These past couple of weeks are ones that will stay etched in my mind...what I've learned about mercy and grace and forgiveness is something I can't put into words. Something I don't want to put into words, but rather ponder it in my heart...over and over so that I don't forget it.



It's also made me think about how God gradually and precisely reveals to me the true condition of my heart. He doesn't throw it at me all at once. Most likely because He knows in my humanness, I would not be able to bear it. Instead, he lovingly hands me it, piece by piece, when He knows I am ready, and then shows me what to do with it. Simply amazing.

The whole lesson on honesty really was outstanding. There were a few things though, that just jumped off the pages at me.

1. "We don't have to be trained to hide or pretend - it comes naturally. Even after we are redeemed in Christ and the Holy Spirit takes up residence within us, we often battle the urge to deceive. But God cannot bless or revive a heart that refuses to acknowledge the truth." p.45



2. "If we feel we are innocent and have nothing to be broken about, it is not that these things are not there but that we have not seen them, We have been living in a realm of illusion about ourselves." Roy Hession

I don't want to live in that realm of illusion ever again. This is one of those things where "good enough" will not do.

Father God, "thank you" seems so inadequate...(but you know my vocabulary is small) my heart cannot find words that seem, enough. Help me not to forget these lessons you have taught me, and give me the strength I need to continue on this path you have set me on. I know that on my own I will wander off...almost immediately. Help me not to be self deceived. Give me wisdom and discernment. I pray the same thing for each of the ladies in this study...and my friends in bloggy- land. Draw them close to you, Lord. I ask all of this in His Precious name...

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Don't Go Breakin My Heart

This kid is breaking my heart. Ripping it out of my chest. Sigh.

Eli, the past few weeks, has decided that he does not want to go to preschool. The closer we get to the school, he starts to say, "I don't feel so good" and tears well up in his big eyes. The first day he did this, I thought maybe he really was sick, so I took him home and made him rest. But...it has continued. I have asked him a million questions trying to get to the bottom of it. Nothing definite. His teacher says he's fine after a little while...after I'm gone of course. It's just weird that it's starting now...towards the end of the year. And it's really just "not like him." He's usually mellow and easy going about school! It has made me ponder homeschooling for the rest of the year. I KNOW! ME!?!? *laughing hysterically* I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. This is something we have to work through together...it's part of life.

Eli, you're killing me here...help me figure this out little man.

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Reunited

We all have them...best friends that we've lost contact with. It happens. It's life. You say it will never happen to you...but it does.

Yesterday, I had the chance to reconnect with my very best friend growing up. Laurin and I became friends in 3rd grade. Our moms' decided that we should walk home (to my house) together after school. We were not crazy about this idea...we didn't care much for each other. It took some time and I don't know when it happened, but it did. We became friends...inseparable friends...all the way through high school.

Most all of my memories growing up include her and her family. Our personalities were opposite of each other. She was quiet and I was more outgoing. She was extremely intelligent and driven (now has her PHD in heart disease research) and I was just an average student and a bit of an under-achiever. But together, our friendship just...worked.

*notice my mullet...with a perm...lovely. I also think I'm wearing Laurin's shirt...I borrowed her clothes constantly! *

We had not seen each other for years...and its been even longer since we've just sat down to chat and catch up. Yesterday, as we sat and visited for two hours, its as if no time had gone by. She'll always be on my best friends list. I can't explain it. No matter the time, or how much we grow and change...the history is the same. Nothing can change it. I still adore her :)

* This is us as Sophomores. It was a prom. Look at her beautiful- naturally curly- red hair. I am still jealous of it...and of my sophomore body :) *

We've now swapped email addresses, and plan on keeping in touch better. Sometimes its that initial first step of reconnecting that's the most awkward...but now, we're back :) If you have those friends...long lost friends...find them...it's SO worth it!

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Smorgasbord

OK, so here's some more on yesterday's topic. I opened up my Bible today to Galatians. This is significant because I have no organized order for my daily reading. I like to open it up and trust God to take me where I need to go...because I haven't a clue. He knew Galatians was the right place.

For those of you, who are like me, and can't remember off the top of your head what Galatians is about...I'll give you my super quick overview: Paul wrote to churches in Southern Galatia (and for Christians everywhere) a call to faith and freedom in Jesus i.e. no more legalism. GOOD STUFF!

Here's what grabbed me.. Galatians 5:22-23,

"But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..."

Key here: Spirit controls our lives...

I need all of that fruit. You may remember from this that I do not particularly enjoy eating fruit. BUT, that Holy Spirit fruit...it's kinda like this to me....

Happy Saturday!

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Resisting

I am realizing that there are areas in my spiritual walk that I am resisting God. Certain areas that I see Him wanting to change, and feel Him changing, and my gut instinct is to resist Him and flee back to what is comfortable.


I am about a quarter through Breaking Free. I'm usually a speedy reader...but this one I need to really let sink in. When I read a book, I always need my own copy because I like to underline sentences that stick out to me, so that later on I can skim back through and find what I'm looking for (you should see what my Bible looks like) Anyways, needless to say, much of this book is underlined already! It's amazing how well it fits in with the Seeking Him study...maybe too well :)

Here's some of what I'm learning so far...

• Changing my behavior & thoughts is HARD. And not fun...at all. I want a quick fix. And yet the deeper I get into this study, the more I realize how far I have left to go! I want God to do it for me...I want to just magically love difficult people...instead, God gives me opportunities to follow His instructions and love them. *God has said to me: Too bad little lady...I have a better way, keep on following Me and you'll see it*
• Pride...it is a problem. It may be at the root of all problems. I sort of had my own definition of pride: Anyone who thinks they're better than someone else, or believes they don't need anyone else. Somewhere along the way, I adopted that definition...probably to convince myself that since I don't see myself as "better" then I obviously do not have an issue with pride. Wrong definition. SO WRONG. Seriously, any person who thinks they don't have an issue with pride is likely the very person with a HUGE pride problem!
• Pride = Self. That's what I'm learning. At the root of all the areas that need changing, self is the problem. I am learning to humble myself, because I do not want God to do it for me :) On a side note: humbling myself is something I have to do constantly. CONSTANTLY.

There's more...so much more..but for now, the main thing is that I do not want to resist God changing me! And I'm looking ahead, longingly, for the day when changing seems easier...or there is less changing to be done! I know it will be worth it!

- A new blog friend has a wonderful post on longings...it spoke to my heart because it just "fits" with all this stuff I'm learning. She has a great way with words and God's truth!

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