There are certain things that you just don't want to hear from your pastor's wife. Things like ...
personal or private details about the pastor ;) and
that she too finds it difficult to spend time in God's Word.
Oh...there are other things you'd rather not know too, but I'll stop myself.
I've had the privilege of being in four different churches (not counting mine now) since becoming a Christian. Each pastor's wife was uniquely gifted for their role, and each showed wisdom...wisdom that only comes from His Word.
I always assumed they spent hours, HOURS daily with God...studying the scriptures, gleaning all they could. Because after all, they're the Pastor's Wife...if they can't do it, what did that mean for me?!?
Funny how life flops you to the other side of the fence sometimes. Let me tell you...the view from the pastor's wife side looks a tad bit different to me now.
I learned that she faces the same excuses that I did...
I'll read it later...gotta get just one more thing done...I'll be ok without it...I've read and studied it before...I know what's in there...
All lies...and all...believable.
Yesterday my running partner and I ran for the first time in a week. I wanted to die. It hurt. I make it so much harder on my body when I don't run consistently. It's something that I need to do regularly...I can't call myself a runner, if I ran in the past, but no longer do...a runner is someone who RUNS.
So it goes spiritually. Getting by on what I read in the past, experienced in the past is not gonna cut it. I make it so much harder on my ENTIRE life when I don't spend time with Him...daily...hourly...minute by minute.
You'd bless me beyond words if you'd life your pastor's wife before Him today :)
On a totally unrelated note...
I've received, what may be the cutest blog award. Ever. Wanna see?
Enthusiastically ElleBeepassed along the "I heart your blog" award, and I heart it and I heart her blog too. You should go plop in and say hello!
I'd like to pass it along to some of my newest blog reads/friends that I really love reading.
Rachel at Musings of a Future Pastor's Wife. Her hubby is in seminary (which bring back some memories for me :) and she just survived Gustav...blogged right through it, which totally impresses me, by the way. She's a wise one, and I heart her.
Colored with Memoriesis another one that I love. You've gotta go read her Tuesday post about mommy competitiveness...cracked me up!
And Cassandra at Tripping Around the Sun. I relate to her and frankly...I adore her and her blog.
I'm also adding these ladies to my blogroll, so you can find them there too.
Summer flashed by and now it's Labor Day weekend...the unofficial end to summer, and three four of my dear bloggy friends, who live in Louisiana are dealing with Gustav.
Last night, as we lay in bed, glued to Fox News, I confessed to my husband that I didn't really even remember hurricane Katrina very well. Oh, I'm fully aware of the aftermath, but I don't remember watching it happen. Turns out, it's probably because we had just moved to tiny-town and Jake was only 3 months old...and truthfully...it just didn't affect me or anyone I knew personally.
My how my perspective has changed! Funny how a couple natural disasters of your own will do that to ya ;) When I imagine tiny-town enduring the same disasters again in three years, I feel sick. Yet, this is what is happening in LA.
My heart is heavy today for my bloggy friends Mama Belle, Tracie, and Rachel and Jodie (sorry Jodie, I forgot you live there too!). I heart them like my real-life friends...praying for them today, and for all those being affected by this storm.
I'm so thankful for a God who works all things together for good...and for friends whose faith is strong in times of trouble, knowing He will see them through.
Today's post is pretty much just part two of yesterday's.
God is continually showing me things about myself through my children.
The latest is this: My three old's stubbornness is driving me crazy...I am God's three year old.
And frankly, that smarts a little.
Isn't it interesting that no mother has ever had to teach her young toddler to be selfish, to want his own way, to not share, to have a melt-down. The sin nature shows up early on (some earlier than others;) and a child left to their own natural tendencies most often grows up into an adult that both you and I wish we could avoid.
It wasn't until I had my own toddler that I realized how childish my own behavior can still be. And with each subsequent toddler I have been reminded over and over again :)
Here is a random list (from just yesterday) of how my three year old and I have a few things in common...
He wants his way most of the time. (need I say more?)
Out in public, he 99% of the time behaves very, very well. Compliant, sweet, obedient and just plain adorable. But in the safety of his own home the meltdowns occur. (Sound familiar?)
He asks me for milk, I fill his cup. Half way through drinking his cup, he changes his mind and decides he wants OJ. I say, "finish your milk and then you can have OJ"...meltdown follows. (Hmmm...how often do I ask my heavenly father for something and he gives it, and then I change my mind and ask for something else, and when He doesn't respond immediately I feel like "throwing my cup" and pouting on the floor...I'm just saying)
Potty training: He could totally do it if he wanted...instead he's decided that sitting around in a poopy diaper is not so bad. It's worked till now, why bother to change it. He has no idea the joys of underwear, for both him and I, because he's trusting in what he knows...what's familiar.
(How many times do I (we) just keep doing things the way we always have, believing it's still good enough. Believing that sitting around in the stink is not so bad?!? Instead I could just trust Him enough to believe He has better planned and step out in obedience and give it a try.)
He looks so sweet and sincere when he apologizes...until two seconds later when I find him spraying Windex on the couch. (does my repentance often look the same way?)
At three years old, in his mind, he fully thinks he's capable of calling the shots...and how do you explain to a three year old how COMPLETELY limited their knowledge and understanding is and without ME he'd be in a world of trouble. (I behave in this EXACT same way, and my three year old's knowledge is MUCH closer to his mommas level than mine is to God's)
He whines and whines and whines in hopes that it will change my no to a yes. (obvious)
He loves to tattle on his brothers if they even come close to doing something wrong or bother him in any sort of way...without ever even noticing all the wrong he managed to accomplish during the same time frame. (guilty)
Ok, ok, so I could go on for days and days on this topic, but I'm sure you get my point.
For all of the stubbornness and strong-will my sweet little Jake possesses, there's a million more absolutely wonderful things about him. And I can walk through this phase with him, because I know he will grow and mature into what God has created him to be. My love for him is changeless.
How much more so it is with my heavenly father. He walks with me, and lovingly guides and disciplines me as necessary because He longs to see me continue to grow and mature into what He has created me to be. I am so thankful He loves me that much :)
If I could give out gold medals for blog comments all you guys would get gold for yesterdays. Seriously.
Two ideas spoke to me through your comments.
My heart wandering issue
My 3 year old's stubbornness is driving me crazy...I am God's 3 year old.
I'll tackle the first today and the second tomorrow.
It's the miracle that is...blogging. Journaling, with feedback. And your feedback got me thinking... a lot. Mama Belle(my bff whom I've never met who lives in/by the bayou where I've never been) said this to me, "You do know we all struggle with this, right?"And I said (not out loud) to myself, "Pfffff...of course I do Mama Belle." And the next thought that IMMEDIATELY followed was "but I'm sure my heart wanders away more quickly than theirs."
And there ya have it. Truth with a tiny lie attached to the end of it. I know it's a universal struggle for Christians...I've just believed that just maybe ya'll can keep your hearts from so easily being swayed from it's first love...Jesus. Where exactly this thought process came from, I have no idea...but yesterday I was made aware of it. The truth is, that I know first hand how easily my heart wanders...it may be the at the root of all of our struggles as Believer's...after all, the first commandment was to have no other gods.
Speaking of no other gods...yesterday I just happened to go to the post office, and there just happened to be a certain book there that I had ordered last week from Amazon. Yep. This book. I ordered it sort of on a whim, last week. Some bloggy friends had said they're reading it, and when I was on Amazon ordering something else, this little book popped up and I clicked on it.
Last night I opened it and read to about page 13 before I set it down and tried to devise a plan to somehow forget I'd ever seen it. It's that good :) I came up with no good plan. It keeps staring at me even as I type this.
I know the Holy Spirit wants to use this book to show me areas of my life that need to change. But change is hard...and frankly, I'm a tad lazy.
But here it is. The root of the issue...staring at me from my desk. God has taught me innumerable lessons (most of them multiple times) and there is one thing I know for sure. I can run from this...but God, in His infinite love for me, will out-run me. I can surrender now, or I can totally wear myself out first, but either way...He's gonna deal with this issue. I think I'll do it now :)
So...I'm off to begin confronting my modern day idols...and separate my kids so they don't kill each other...all in a days work ;)
I've resisted...(even though I do heart the color green).
In my head, to Go Green, also meant buying into the whole global warming thing...which by the way...I do not.
The more I read on global warming, the more I'm convinced that its mostly a political agenda used to promote oneself. Back to my point...
Then, this week while at the grocery store, I decided to purchase this:
Because I thought to myself...
That would hold a lot of groceries
It's cuter than plastic bags
Go me.
I had a revelation in the grocery store.
I can do my part to not be completely wasteful. Being a little green does not have to mean I buy into global warming. The two do not have to go hand in hand. I do not think the life span of our earth depends upon humans being green. God created it, and He has said in His Word that He's coming again and there will be a new heaven and a new earth...I'm pretty sure He didn't mean that this was dependent on us mere mortals taking care of it. Pretty sure ;)
But I can respect what He has created while still glorifying the creator over the created. Which, for me, means I now have two of those cute little canvas bags AND I'm attempting to start recycling (more than just pop cans). I have to say, I'm not particularly enjoying the whole recycling thing...baby steps, baby steps.
So...I'm going green...a very light shade of green :)
For real. I told Ben yesterday that I'm probably going to end up with Alzheimer's and he's going to have to come visit me everyday and read me our love story and then occasionally, I'll remember...but it won't last long...and then one night he'll crawl into my hospital bed and the Lord will call us home together...at the exact same time. Sound like a movie?!? I need to watch The Notebook again...
Anyways...I joke. Sort of.
I have become a total space-case this week. I blame Michael Phelps and the USA gymnastics teams for keeping me up so late. Shame on them.
Earlier this week I drove to Wal-Mart. It takes about 20-25 minutes from tiny-town. My boys act like it takes days. Seriously. So we get to Wal-Mart, and before we get out of the van, I check my purse and realize that my billfold is in my other purse...hanging by the door at home. Nice. So we drive back to tiny-town.
On the way back home, I decide that I should get the boys swim stuff too since we'll go straight from (our 2nd) trip to Wal-Mart to swim lessons. Get home, run in and grab suits and towels, back to van and we get to the edge of tiny-town and I REMEMBER that I STILL did not grab my billfold. Back to house. Again.
By this time, my kids are seriously sick of me. I am apologizing/kicking myself and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me!!
That happened on Monday.
Yesterday, (Wednesday) Eli had his Kindergarten check-up (4 shots.) His older brother, Noah, who went through this routine last year has been graciously telling him how horrible it is going to be. Being the good mommy that I am, I bribed Eli with the wonderful idea of going to Wal-Mart and letting him choose a (cheap) toy after his shots. HOWEVER, we get to the clinic and low and behold, guess who's billfold is not in her purse?!? Yep. It's at home. Again. Meltdowns follow...by both Eli and myself.
Now you're thinking my Alzheimer's situation is a little more likely, aren't ya?!?
Told you.
So, my bloggy friends, whose minds are still in tact...what do I do?!? How do I get my mind back?!? :) Really. Help me.
I head a great little clip on the radio yesterday.
I think it was Chip Ingram, but I'm not for sure. Here's my interpretation.
He talked about how we measure our spiritual growth. How do we know if we are growing in Christ? Is it by standards such as faithfully spending time in God's Word, prayer, tithing, church attendance?
He noted that those are all great things, but if the apostle Paul were asked the question, he would probably not use those criteria. He would most likely ask himself, "Am I loving Christ more and am I loving others more?"
Wow. That there is the kicker. The heart of the issue. The external stuff is all good stuff, but alone, without loving Christ and others more, it's meaningless.
Interesting how we, as people, love to judge ourselves and others FIRST on outside criteria, rather than looking at ourselves and others and examining how loving we are. I do it all the time...but now, I am using a new standard, for myself and others.
First: "Am I growing in my love for Jesus and others?" Second: "How is it shown?" Good stuff.
On another totally random thought: Last night I got a new (super kind) comment on this post (you should go look at the comment ;). I didn't recognize the name so I clicked on their profile. Turns out it was the Pastor in the article I wrote about! How cool is that?!? Ya never know who's reading or how they found you...which makes blogging fun and intimidating all at the same time :)
OK...back to the Olympics...which by the way, is KILLING me at night...I'm so tired! I'm even recording it, but who can go to bed and not see the results?!? Not I!
Small towns, small churches, small cars and believe it or not, I love small houses. I like the intimacy of it. The cuteness...
It's just part of who I am.
It was three years ago this month that my husband accepted the call to pastor his first church. Small town, small church...we couldn't have been more excited. We knew that God had made us small-lovin' people, and we knew He had prepared us for this place...and were praying that He had prepared them for us!
About six months into my role as Pastor's wife, a group of ladies from my church and I went to bigger-town for a Ladies State Meeting (or something like that.) It was held at a rather large church that also runs a Christian school. It was my first "outing" with them as their Pastor's wife and I felt like an idiot to say the least. Not only was I one of the youngest Pastor's wives, (and not wearing panty-hose) I was the newbie. It got even better when they made all the pastor's wives stand up front to introduce ourselves and then have the ladies pray over us.
Before they prayed, the Pastor's wife of the large church said something that struck me that day. She said something to the affect that they were so happy to have each of us there and that no matter how small our church was, our ministry was just as important as the large churches.
And I thought to myself,"hmmm...I had never thought it wasn't until right now."
I've thought a lot about her words over the past few years. I know her intentions were most likely to encourage us smaller pastor's wives that our ministry was significant. What I wonder though...is it the small churches who struggle with their significance or is it the big churches who struggle to see the importance of the small church?
My husband gets a magazine in the mail called Leadership. It's for pastors...but I will pretty much read anything in magazine form :) Yesterday, as I flipped through the latest issue, I found an amazing article.
A man named David Gibbons started a multi-ethnic mega church in California in the early 90's. It is still there, and thriving. In it's bigness though, he found something lacking. This pastor talks about his journey to his new ministry which is planting smaller churches, from 30-300 people each. He talks of the benefits of the smaller church, but admits to now having to help support his family with other outside jobs. He says, "I'm a better pastor because I have other occupations. My jobs change; my calling remains the same."
God used this little article to so encourage and affirm our little ministry yesterday. To think that this man, David Gibbons, had what many see to be the successful church, and yet decided to go make smaller ones...it really blew me away.
All size churches that are preaching the gospel are important...and all sized ministries are equally important. When I look at Jesus, there is no doubt in my mind that He would have gone upon that cross for the sins of just a few...
I am amazed at what God is doing here...in the small things. And I'm praying today, that I never lose sight of that.
Bigger is not always better...for oh-so-many areas. Just reminding myself of that today.
This post is two parts which may seem to not go together at all...unless you know me...and then you will find it completely normal because this is me...deep and shallow all at the same time :)...ooh, I feel another blog name coming on...
Anyways, FIRST:
Do you ever feel like life is going by so fast that you can't...keep...up?
I'm there. Yesterday I even wished I had a remote for life that had a pause button...so I could stop everyone else around me and "catch up" before pushing play again.
It's all good stuff. It just sometimes seems like I'm not enjoying it (enough) because of time crunches. I have lots of ministry stuff to get organized before everything kicks off again for fall...cramming all kinds of family fun into the last couple weeks of summer, and well, there's the house...which needs to be in some semblance of order to even find anything.
Interesting...as I typed these out, I had sort of a revelation. One: "Seriously, this is what I need to push pause over?!?" HA! It all of a sudden doesn't look so bad...totally do-able! Two: Who has become first in the busyness? *sigh*
Over and over and over I do it. Get distracted by tasks I need to accomplish, and place them in first place. It makes no sense...for I can tell you endlessly that this does not work...and yet I do it. The one and only person I should be running to first, Jesus, I instead remove from first place...set aside and replace with tasks, and then proceed to bash my head against a brick wall in frustration because all of a sudden I can't juggle all that's going on around me.
Hmmm...not too hard to figure out why frustration sets in. Today I'm going to stop trying harder...and start praying harder that this pattern STOPS!
I am so thankful that my heavenly father does not get annoyed with me...because I am seriously annoyed with me :)
And the shallow...(wink.wink.)
Last night as I was minding my own business (sort of) and reading blogs, I came across this post by my bloggy friend Kelly at Love Well(which, is not shallow...at all.) She happened to mention a list for the Starbucks stores that were closing...and I may have experienced my very first anxiety attack...ok, not really, but close.
I live in tiny-town. I have to go to bigger-town to get Starbucks. If they leave bigger-town...there is nowhere else to GO!
Which reminds me...no, don't worry, I won't even begin to tell you my sad, sad, really sad story of how there were NO GOOD CLOTHING STORES around here when I was a teenager...then I got married and moved away and they FINALLY got a GAP...two in fact...and when I moved back....BOTH CLOSED. *sigh* Hard times my bloggy friends...hard times. But Starbucks...still here. Amen.
Something has been rolling around in my mind for quite awhile now. And yesterdays post just fueled the fire for me :)
I've been thinking about the idea of celebrity. What is it that really makes someone a celebrity? It really just boils down to a celebrity being someone (with a little Charisma) that many, many people see or hear from or about all the time. Once someone becomes well known, it lifts them into this other realm of "famousness" :)
It even happens in the blogging world. When I started blogging I had no idea that within this community were sub-divisions...and among the Christian Mommy Neighborhood, there are some big-dogs...that everyone knows/reads/has on their blogroll. Who knew?!?
For the record: I'm not intending to talk Hollywood here. They of course have plenty of them...good and bad...and truthfully, it's the world, how else should they act?
What I've been thinking of lately is Christian Celebrities. Granted, generally we Christians don't like to call them that...sounds worldly ya know...but really...we treat our Christian Celebrities very similar to the way the world treats regular celebrities. And the more I think about that...the odder it seems to me.
When I start to think about it...as Christians we've probably got as many (or more) celebrities than the world does...hmmmm.
I should clarify: I am not blaming the Christian Celebrity. Whatever they have accomplished to bring them to that next level was undoubtedly great. They may have hit albums, huge blogs, write really inspiring books, Bible studies, or be an inspirational speaker, all using gifts God has given them. What I am questioning is our reaction to them.
It's one thing to admire and respect...but does it go further? Do we treat them differently than we treat regular people?
What is it in me that seeks to exalt one person over another based on celebrity or what they've accomplished? That's the heart of my thoughts, and the more I examine it the more I don't like what I see.
This past December Ben and I went to a Casting Crownsconcert (they're one of my fav's.) Mark Hall, the lead singer, did a fantastic job of just being a regular person. No Hype. Just there to use the gift God had given and it was an incredible time of worship.
I left that night pondering how he did that. Because when he walked on stage that night, he had an arena full of people who would probably crawl over the person in front of them if it meant having a chance to chat with him.
Pride is a constant battle for me...in many areas. Pride can happen in the "little bitty" for sure. I have trouble even imagining what it must be like for the Christians that we have made into our own celebrities...with those of us always telling them how wonderful they are...paying money to go see them.
My own personal realm of influence is fairly small...which as I examine my heart today, is for obvious reasons :) and if I'm struggling with pride, I no-doubt believe those with much bigger areas of influence struggle with it too.
Your thoughts? (if you can understand my ramblings, that is ;)
Life is about waiting. I know, it sounds simple and obvious, but for me it's sort of a relatively new concept.
I used to obsess over how impatient I was...how much I hated waiting...for anything. And then, sometime after my 30th birthday, when all my vast knowledge kicked in *cough* I realized that life is about w-a-i-t-i-n-g. No matter what my circumstance, I am literally always waiting for something.
Maybe the waiting is not really the problem...the problem is how I'm waiting.
I have a few things going on in my life right now that I am either waiting on God for answers, or desiring to see what the outcome is going to look like. On the outside I can look calm...but on the inside, in my head, I'm playing the waiting game. You know the game, it's that endless chatter in your head about whatever it may be that you're waiting on. It goes something like this, "If such and such happens then I will do this, or if this happens, I will of course do this...oh and I have no idea what to do if this happens...that just cannot happen...I couldn't handle...will that happen?...AAHHHH!!!" It never ends. No matter what I may be doing, the thoughts run wild...which actually brings me to my point.
I want to learn to CONSISTENTLY bring my thoughts captive, rather than letting them run loose in my head all the time. I know how to do it. It involves purposing to STOP the chatter, and replace it with the truth of God's Word. Just as I choose the words that come out of my mouth, or come out through my fingers on this blog, I also choose my thoughts. They do not control me. I control them. It's time I start living out what I know to be true. Today. I'm also pulling this book off my bookshelf...again.
Now...I may need some Excedrin, because its going to be a loooong day ;)
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
It's Monday and I have a confession. I have a very, very serious case of laziness this summer. It's bad. I am completely unmotivated to accomplish much of anything that requires much effort. I have three to-do lists going.
To-Do this summer (before school starts on Aug. 17)
To-Do this week
To-Do today
Guess what keeps happening...nothing. So the lists just keep getting longer, and I move the to-do today, to the to-do this week list. Clever, aren't I?
...maybe I'll just cram everything into the last week before school starts...I do work well under pressure :)
Now for the rant. I try to not rant(whine) too much (on my blog)...but this is driving. me .nuts!
I happened to pick of a People magazine last night while at Wal-Mart. I wanted to read about Nicole Kidman's baby girl, whom she named Sunday, which I think is kinda cute...anyways, on the front page is also a pic with the headline: Pregnant Man Gives Birth to a Girl. Yeah. I've been stewing over this one since I saw the ads for it on Oprah. I cannot contain it any longer.
Here is my rant: He is not a man giving birth to a baby. He is still a woman, with all the equipment God gave in order to grow a baby. No big miracle on this guy (woman's) part. You can take male hormones and remove your breasts, but inside...still a GIRL. IT'S A GIRL HAVING A BABY. NO MEDICAL MARVEL. SHEEEESH!!
VBS went really, really well last night. In my 3&4 year old class we had 8 boys and 1 little girl...and they were so much fun! Thanks so much for your empathy and encouragement yesterday :)
Last night (after VBS) I had the opportunity to discover something about myself...stuff I've known (I think) but just never really thought about all that much. It has to deal with how I react/cope with life when busyness sets in.
I hate busyness. I do. I am constantly trying to keep life quieted. I like peace. I like routine. I like to have my family just hanging out together at home.
Our daily life is fairly full. I don't mention it much, but my husband also has a full-time job besides being full-time Pastor of our small church. (This is a whole other post in and of itself.) He is a "tent-making pastor" as they call it, and I can't explain it, because when I look at our life from the outside, I think "How on earth does that work? Impossible!" But, it does work...it works really, really well. It works, because it is what God has ordained for now and He supplies in all the areas we are lacking (and they are many, my friends.) Will it change? Hopefully...but if it doesn't, we're content with that too. God has created peacefulness in our home, even with the full schedule.
Anything extra on top of this full life of ours makes it start to feel busy to me. As I mentioned yesterday, with VBS this week, I find myself re-adjusting to the extra demands, and discovered two things about myself in the process.
1 - When life starts to feel like I can't keep up, I go quiet. Weird, I know. I am generally a friendly, outgoing person. I will talk your ear off...with hand gestures to boot. But when it starts to feel busy, I feel the need to quiet myself. To withdraw some...to hide-out for a little bit...just me and my Jesus. He "fills my cup" back up, just like the old hymn says, and then I can face life again.
2 - When the busyness seems like too much...I begin cleaning. I mean deep cleaning...organizing...and when my family doesn't cooperate with my cleaning agenda...not good, not good at all. It's a weird phenomena. Something very sad, tragic, life changing can happen, and you will most likely find me cleaning out closets and rearranging furniture. I've done this for as long back as I can remember...I've just never thought about WHY I do this...until last night.
Here's what God showed me: When life feels like it's out of my control (which it always is whether I feel it or not) I clean because I can fix it. I can work and see tangible results from my efforts. Control. I am a control freak, my friends. Last night, it's as if God was giving me a "heads up" on this issue. For my own good, He requires a change of heart on my part...the cleaning in and of itself, fine. The cleaning as a knee-jerk reaction for control...not fine. He wants my first reaction to be my knees in prayer, running to Him. Sounds easy...but for a control freak, it's not. Thankfully, I have Him to help me :)
Just some realizations. What about you? How do you deal with the busyness? Are you a freak too!?!? :)
God has been teaching me so, so much lately. And my friends...it hurts!Wherever I go, by any means possible, it seems that He is showing me the same thing over and over.
This is not unusual. There have been countless times that He's done this..."beating" the message into my heart until it finally sinks in, and I stop fighting against it, and start learning from it. Most of the time...it's something that I don't want to hear. And like a child, I stick my fingers (MP3) in my ears and sing loudly, in hopes of drowning Him out...which, by the way, does not work. God is not loud. He doesn't keep shouting louder and louder...He whispers...softly and gently, and it pierces my heart to the core...and He does it because He loves me...He does it because that's who He is. Astounding, isn't it?
My problem He's revealed: Self. I heard a message recently on the 10 commandments. It broke them down into what they meant or stood for. The first commandment God gave was that we not hold anyone above Him(have no other gods.) And it struck me. I don't worship any other gods...or do I. Who is first in my life all the time? The answer I heard was not pretty...the answer was me.
The more I thought about this, the uglier it got. I began to realize that there is not one decision I make, no matter how big or small, that does not FIRST go through my automatic filter of how does this effect me, make me feel. Granted, I do things all the time that may be self-sacrificing, but I guarantee you that it first went through that ME filter and then I decided if it was worth it or not. Gross...and totally backwards.
You know what that filter should be FIRST?!? It should be "Does this glorify God?" I want that to be first. He put it in that order for a reason. He knew that in our humanness, the struggle for control over our lives would be the hardest to let go of. It is a battle that I will most likely fight on a daily basis...maybe minute by minute. It's idiotic if you think about it. Why on earth would I think I know more or have more control than God, who happens to be all-knowing, all powerful and in all places?!? Seriously, that makes me a special kind of stupid. Again.
I want to trust Him enough to make my first thoughts "Does this glorify God" and not "How does this affect me/make me feel." Obviously, I am not capable of this on my own (as we've seen.) It is the cry of my heart, today, for His help on this.
God does not exist for me. He does not need me. But I was created for Him, and without a doubt I need Him desperately. It's time I start living it...in that order.
There's more He's teaching me...but one thing at a time :)
What's He showing you? Do you hear Him? Are you listening or hiding? What's the cry of your heart?
I've been muttering Enough Already to my Jesus, all week long. But life around me reminds me that He alone decides what enough is. My understanding is small. My heart is hurting for my tiny-town and surrounding communities...so much so, that at times it feels debilitating. I find myself fighting against whatis...and longing for what was. My emotions are literally all over the place. One minute I'm laughing, the next I'm sobbing, then I'm encouraged and ready accept the changes, and the next I'm grieving over what was, longing to just turn back time...I know that's part of the whole process...but it is exhausting!
I had big plans for this summer. I spent the long, freezing winter planning and dreaming of summer. The summer I dreamed of did not look like this...life changing forever was not in the plans. The thing that is bringing me the most peace right now, is worship music. It brings perspective back.
We're back at home now...we have electricity and the air conditioning works (YAY) but no gas...so no stove and no water heater = no hot water...but we can deal...I am so grateful to have a home to live in...many, many around me do not.
So...that's the update. Now, I should get on to the really, truly important stuff ;)
Here I mentioned the hair. Turns out, I threw caution to the wind and told her to chop it so it would be curly this summer. My stylist assures me that my the time fall comes around, I'll be able use my beloved hair straightener again. It has given me a bit of an identity crisis, knowing that I can't straighten it...it has to be curly for the next 3 months...I am embracing the curl...sort of.
My basement. Do not feel bad for me...I may have been a little giddy carrying all that junk out to the curb.
Ok, just one more...
Oh, but wait! In the midst of the flood...look what has poked its little head through....
No...the weed is from before...look at that little stemmy thingy...its the elephant's ear! Ben wanted to know if I wanted him to pull the weed before I took the picture...I told him definitely NOT, that my dear bloggy friends needed it as a point of reference :)
I'm learning that, on my own, I have abit of trouble balancing my life. When I jump into something, I JUMP in. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes...not so much. I could list many areas in my life where this has/is true. It's not a surprise, I've kinda known it...but this tragedy in tiny-town has made me so much more aware of it.
I need God to show me what to do, where to go, when and how much. Does that make sense? On my own, I'm excessive in some areas, and completely lacking in others. Exhausting.
As I re-read my last post, I realized that one of the reasons I want "normal" back, is because I am having trouble balancing the tragedy that has occurred with every day life. Focusing on all the devastation leaves me feeling empty and depleted, yet enjoying life makes me feel guilty. My family lost nothing in the tornado. So many friends, lost everything. In order to make up for that, I've taken some huge burden upon myself to grieve over all of them...to want to help all of them...in the meantime, I've found myself utterly frustrated with myself and others for not doing enough.
Yesterday afternoon I found myself complaining to God. Wish I could call it prayer, but it wasn't...it was more like a combination of whining & begging. But God, ever so quietly, has been speaking to my heart. Here's what He's shown me...
He took me to the book of Psalms *sigh* what better place!?!
I am feeling overwhelmed because I am taking on burdens that are not mine to bear. I repeat: NOT MINE TO BEAR. Some of them are...but I have excessively heaped loads of stuff onto myself that I CANNOT possibly handle. I do it out of guilt, I think. This does no one any good. I need to rely on Him for the who, what, when, where and how much questions.
He is willing to teach me how to live joyfully amidst chaos, if I will just LET him.
I know that these issues were there, for me, long before tragedy hit. I know many others struggle with the same problem of balancing...it is not new or unique to me. But I no longer want to deal with it like I always have...I want to learn to allow Him to show me HEALTHY ways to deal with life amidst chaos.
One little verse that really grabbed me was Psalms 90:12
"Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should."
The past couple of weeks I have been in the Repentance chapter of Seeking Him. *Sigh* Good, good stuff...too overwhelming (for my writing capabilities) to put into words. Through it though, God has been nudging my heart to do something it DOES NOT want to do...and I've decided to share it with you. I know I've got some praying ladies out there...and I'm SO gonna need them.
I mentioned here that my parents divorced when I was 21. It was traumatic for everyone involved. The most painful aspect of it all was that it was revealed that there had been years of adultery, lies, and deception involved, on my father's part. When given the choice to reconcile and choose his family, or this other woman and his "freedom" ....he chose her...he chose himself. It absolutely rocked me to to the core. I could not understand it...and it hurt me in ways that I cannot describe.
How did I respond? At first, pleading and begging were involved. I was SURE that if I could just make him see what he was doing that he would change. It did not work. That's when I decided to fight fire with fire. It was ultimatum time. I was sure this would work. I sat him down, and very logically said to him, "You choose her and I will have no part of it. I won't hang around and be a part of that life." Again, he chose her. I was sure he was calling my bluff. So I set out to prove that I meant it, and I did. For close to 5 years I had no contact with him. I had my first 2 babies...celebrated many mile stones, all without him. If we saw each other in town, we acted as though we were strangers...which we were.
My dad and I have had contact now for the past few years. His life has not changed. None of the circumstances have changed. Along the way, though, I have felt God's nudging...it's always met with resistance from me. At first, the nudging was to reach out to him...and I did. I did the minimum of what God required (which is basically not really obeying, by the way.)
Here's what God has revealed to me the past couple of weeks: At the time, I really thought that by withholding a relationship with him, that I was showing him love. That he would see that I was dead serious about how wrong his choices were. God has now shown me that in part that was true, but the other part was just me withholding my love from him in order to punish him. Oh...it get's worse....He has also shown me that the love I am showing to my dad is not enough. He is asking me to lavish my love upon my dad. WHAT!?! My flesh HATES this. My flesh tells me my dad doesn't deserve it. But God's still small voice is so powerfully saying..."Sarah, you do not deserve it either....but I lavish it upon you ALL the time, show him love..."
So....I'm going to do it. It will be a supernatural work...it will involve all of Jesus, and none of me. It will be a battle, for me....and now you're in on it. Please pray for me...for all of the above stuff...and pray for my dad...that he would stop running from Jesus, and experience true joy and freedom.
Below is a pic from Christmas...me, my little bro, dad, and sister Lindsey.
I'm a list person. I always have 10 different lists going...usually in several different notebooks (which I can't keep track of.) I am always formulating them in my head. Grocery list, Wal-mart list, bills list, to-do list, boys list, on and on. There are other weird lists in there too...The other pastor's wives list, the vehicles we've owned list (why!?! I don't know), stuff I want to ask Jesus when I get to heaven, and What I'd buy/do if I came into a ton of money. Oh, there's more...but I'll stop.
Today is the "What I'd buy/do if I came into a ginormous sum of $" (in no particular order....because the list is coming off the top of my head...where it lives...the list changes daily, AND let's assume I'd do all the stuff that good people do, FIRST...give to missions, feed the hungry, find the cure to cancer etc.)
Build on to our little church...big gym, class rooms, office for hubs at the church (you get the idea)...oh, and Ben could be just a full-time pastor :)
Get a spray tan (HA! I just thought of that one...)
Buy Ben a big beast of a truck
Build a big guest house for all my friends to come stay in when they visit!
Buy a bark collar for Odie...or send him to obedience school (a good one, that can re-train an 8 year old dog)
Adopt a baby girl....from anywhere....
which would cause me to need to add on to the parsonage...a baby girls room and a padded room/sound proof room for my boys to play in.
A personal trainer....Jillian from Biggest Loser! She could whip my butt into shape :)
A pair of Christian Louboutinshoes, for me, and Heth (like the ones we admire on Facebook's Shoe Of The Day.)
Pay for all my kids, nieces/nephews, (grand kids someday) college.
Then, I would set aside the money needed to live at our current standard of living, and give the rest away. Because, frankly, if I had a ton of money, I'm afraid my reliance on Christ would fade...I know myself that much...the money would have to go.
But first...I would buy one of these for all the pastor's wives I've met in blogland...my favorite T-shirt...
Because, seriously, EVERY PASTOR'S WIFE, should have a Barbie and the Rockers T-shirt....don't ya think?!? (it's my favorite...I thought it was lost, but now, it's found...reminds me of a song I know...)
It's been one of those mornings...again. Amidst the craziness, my mind is constantly trying to find something "bloggable" about it all. Nothing. Nothing very original anyways.
So I sat down with my Cheerios, Bible, Sansa, and ginormous mug of coffee, and handed it over to God. Finally. And He took me to two things simultaneously. Both are things I've read/heard countless times...but today, I heard them differently.
The first was in John 17. It's the passage where Jesus is praying and pouring out his heart to his heavenly father. There's something about it that is so intimate...and amazing. Today, I was plugging along and then got to verse 10. It so struck my heart that I sobbed. Immediately! Now...I'm a crier...I cry easily, but not usually like this. God hit me with this.
V10 (The Living Bible) " And all of them, since they are mine, belong to you; and you have given them back to me with everything else of yours, and so they are my glory!"
...we are His glory...I am His GLORY!?!? What? I thought this version must have it wrong, so I pulled out my NIV, and it pretty much said the same idea. Wow. Today, He hit me with just what I needed...that awesome reminder of how HUGE His love is for me. He knows me inside and out...all the ugly stuff, and still...because I'm covered in Him....I bring Him glory. Something to think about...
The second thing that made my heart stop, was the song Suddenly by Toby Mac. I've heard it a million times...I love it, but today it's as if I heard it differently. It's a fun song...and then suddenly, in the middle, it changes a little and there's this huge block of amazing truth...and it hit me today!
Here it is...
"Sometimes it’s in an instant, Sometimes we wait for years
But it comes down to the moment when faith eclipses fear
Your wandering is over The other side is real
You’ve broken through Your mountain moved
And mercy is revealed His mercy is revealed, yeah "
This hits on so many areas in my life right now. Faith eclipsing fear. His mercy revealed.
In case you want to hear the song, here it is. Fair warning: video and sound quality are not the greatest, but you'll get the idea :) I wish I could have you all over, to my mini-van...then we could ride around my tiny town listening to Toby Mac, while my children cover their ears and beg me to turn it down. Good times.
Yesterday's post on the quirkiness of my tiny town has got me thinking. Every tiny town has its quirks...its part of what makes them so wonderful. I am, of course, biased, but I happen to think that my tiny town is one of the absolute best.
I grew up is a small town (only about 20 minutes from the tiny town I live in now.) The town I grew up in was about 10,000 people. It had a private college, Wal-Mart, 2 grocery stores, fast food and lots of pizza places. I loved growing up there...until high-school...when I decided in all my infinite knowledge...that I was meant to live in the city. I came to this conclusion after endless nights of sitting around with friends, trying to think of something to do!
After Ben and I got married, we immediately moved up to Minneapolis, MN so he could go to seminary. I loved the city. I especially loved shopping in the city. And then...it happened. I had my first baby about 3 years into our stay there...and I was ready to head back to the small town.
It's not that there was anything wrong with the city...it was the simple fact that I am a small town girl, through and through. Little did I know how small town I really am!!! Had you told me, in high school, that I would eventually live in a smaller town, I would have given you a hearty "what- Ever." It turns out, I'm not just a small-town girl...I'm a tiny town girl. A "population of 637 people" tiny town, (according to the US Census Bureau.) I happen to think that the town is a tad bigger than that...but who am I to argue with The Bureau.
What on earth can possibly be so fantastic about this town?!? (I know you're dying to find out)
Here are just some of things that make it great...
My neighbors. Especially Marlas (& her fam.) We car-pool, swap kids, and she even puts up with having to look at all the toys that get left all over our yard :) She also grew up in this tiny town, and was kind enough to introduce me to lots of people. I still call her to ask who is who and how they're connected to so and so (because everyone here is connected somehow!) She helped me, in all my weirdness, to feel like I fit in, and that it priceless!
Everyone that lives in town has a PO Box rather than getting mail delivered to your home (unless you live on Main St. I think) Anyways, everyday I go and get to run into people at the post office...usually the same people, because, apparently we're on the same schedule :)
The post office is closed from 12-2. I'm not quite sure why. It just is.
We have a bank, library, tiny cafe, and a hardware store (which is run by my other neighbor.) People can smoke in the hardware store...but not in the bank or library.
We did have a bar...but it closed. I don't care for bars, so it made me *smile*
On Main St...you park in the center of the road. But only on Main St. I really need to get a pic of that...
3 churches. Ours is the little one, across from the big one...that's generally how I give directions :)
The school system is AWESOME! We combine with another small town and so far I love it. I had always told Ben, that if we were within an hour of our home town, that I would drive our kids to that school :) Well, we're 20 minutes, but I have no urge to open enroll, and that says something :)
The town floods. It used to flood much worse...but now there's a dike so its not as bad. People from other towns like to joke about it...I like to launch into a lengthy explanation of the dike that was built :) We live on "Water Street"...but we don't get water...Praise God!
We're only 10 minutes from a small city...and 20 minutes to get into the city to Starbucks. That is important.
I frequent the gas station on a daily basis, for bread, milk and cheap bananas. And donuts, but lets not talk about that.
The people are just...kind. Everyone waves to everyone, and you chat like you're friends...even if you've just met.
There's so much more...but this is getting way too long...you get the idea!
In the end...I know that my true love for this town is something supernatural that God has done in my heart. There are no logical explanations for the love. It is simply that this is where He has called us to minister to His people...this is where He's made us fit. I am so crazy-thankful for that!
Wife to Ben, who also happens to be the Pastor of a sweet little church in a tiny little town. Mama to three boys and little Lucy. We live in the parsonage, 27 steps from said little church. This is the journey...it involves lots of run-on sentences.
Posts
